If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
