Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
