im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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