highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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