He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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