Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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