Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
