oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I currently don't understand fingers.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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