You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize