whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
