I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
