If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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