Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
