I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
