if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
