Christians are straight up FREAKS
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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