I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
