just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
