i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
