Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
