in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
