getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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