I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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