If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
