you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
