I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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