I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I still have a little drunk in my system
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
