my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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