Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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