Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
