i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
