Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
