So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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