She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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