he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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