can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
