My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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