But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
