my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
