if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
