i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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