I can't watch pbs sober anymore
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
