I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
