I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
