her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
