I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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