I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
