We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
