My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
