Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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