Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
