We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
