My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
