So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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