I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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