I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
sick fucks of a feather flock together
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
