I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
