He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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