I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
