Please, let me fuck your mom
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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